As a pastor, I have been with many a family during times of grief. I have been the bearer of horrible news to families who suffered the unexpected and tragic lose of a loved one, and I have sat with families while they received such news. I have buried still born infants, children, young adults, and older adults. Each time I have felt helpless and very incompetent. I do not think it is possible to ever walk away from such an occasion feeling good.
Last night was no different. For several weeks, Brenda and I have been really excited about the pending arrival our next grandchildren. The thought of Jarrett having a brother or sister, and a cousin, born within 14 months of him, was precious to us. But then the call came. It seemed that Tish was experiencing difficulty... at first some bleeding... later cramps. We both knew what this probably meant. Shortly after arriving at the Boomer basketball game, Tish called and said Scott was taking her to the emergency room. Somewhere around 11:00 pm it was confirmed... Tish had lost their baby and our grandbaby. Present were my feelings of helplessness and incompetence, only this time... the feelings were much more intense. I didn't know what to do other than hug my daughter up real close, so I did.
On the way home from the emergency room I became aggravated at myself... I should have been grieving, but I wasn't. Yes, I was experiencing sorrow... sorrow for Scott and Tish... sorrow that I wouldn't ever see the little baby... at least from this side... but no real grief. If the lose we had just experienced had been Bree or Jarrett, the grief would have been intense... seemingly unbearable. So... since life begins at conception, and since this little baby was just as much a human being as I am, why was I not sensing grief as I would should anyone else in my family die? It wasn't until sometime in the night that I was able to reconcile what had happened with how I was feeling... even though the little baby that had departed the womb to be with the Savior was just as much my grandchild as the other two are, I had never seen it or held it... never kissed it or heard it cry... the emotional bond hadn't yet strongly formed. This doesn't mean I love less, or lost less, it just means I am a human with emotions.
I feel better. Yes I sorrow for my kids who have suffered the loss of life. And... today I think just a little differently about paradise because this is the first of my descendants to make the journey. But I do not sorrow as those who have no hope.
I do not pretend to know why things such as this happen. I rest in knowing that The FATHER Knows Best.
This Aging Thing
1 year ago